I Wonder

Dear Levi,

         Your due date was the other day and with it came a longing.  I thought of the first and only time I saw you and held you.  So small and so perfect.  It has now been a year and a half since then.   You should be turning one.  Would you be walking?  Would you of said mama by now?  I wonder what your sweet little face would look like.  Would it light up when you saw me?  I wonder if your hair would be dark or blond. What your eye color would be.  I wonder who you are my little Levi. 

           Mostly I just wonder what it will be like to hold you again.  Levi I know someday you will be handed back to me in all your perfectness.  My heart aches for that day.  That joy.  I can almost feel it but then it slips away.  You make me grateful that our family is sealed for this life and the next.  I am so grateful for Temple blessing.  I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and for our Savior. 

          Levi you are so loved.  You are so missed.  You have changed me forever,  you my son have taught me so much.  I am now more understanding,  I now see how much a heart can break and be put back together by the matchless love of our Savior.  I see how depression affects you and how you can hurt so much that you wish you could escape your own body.   How it can make you question that their is a loving and kind Father watching over you.  How the spirit can pull you back and see the miracles in your life, that our Farther is their watching and caring for each of us.   

        You have helped me fight for what I believe in and there were times that I felt like I was losing that fight.   Now a year and a half latter I am so grateful for that fight.  Without it I could not stand here and be certain of who I am.  We truly are Levi, children of God.  With his help we can come out the other side whole.   Thank you for the hardest year and a half of my life.  I truly mean it with all my broken heart.  It one day will be whole again, and you will be in my arms.

Love Mom.