Easter Art Project

Being married to an artistie guy is amazing.

Justin the week before Easter painted a new painting that represents when 

our Savior will come again and we will be reunited with Levi.

Honestly it filled my heart with so much love and hope and filled it with a deep longing for 

that day which seems forever away.

At times my heartaches for the babies we have lost.

I am grateful for this heartache, because it has helped me understand how strong

that longing is for someone who desperately wants a child who they can't have.

I think of Hannah praying at the wall and pouring out her heart for a child,

I know something of that heartache and I can relate to her in a whole new way.

What joy and peace she must have felt when the Prophet Eli told her the Lord had heard

and would bless her with Samuel.   

1st Samuel 1:1

We are so very loved, a Family is Forever!

A Body

For the 3rd time I had to sit my children down and tell them that we had lost another baby.

I prayed for inspiration and help.

I came across this video on the Mormon Channel.

 

 

We watched the video and then talked about how amazing our body's are and how

they are prefect for getting us threw this life, for this mortal period.

Then we talked about how sometimes someone is so pure, they only need a body for a short time.

For the 3rd time we talked about this, for the 3rd time I had to tell them we lost a baby. This is one area that doesn't get easier with practice.  So hard.  I am so grateful to have a knowledge of the gospel, to feel the spirit in my home.  To know that I have a Father in Heaven and that my Savior truly did atone for man kind.   I am grateful that I felt this little man so strongly before he was taken from this earth. You will be missed little one.

 

Justin told my kids this quote by Joseph Smith.

 

"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world, they were too pure, too lovely, to live on this earth; therefore, if rightly considered instead of morning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall have them again… the only difference between the old and the young dying is one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other and is freed a little sooner form this miserable wicked world”

 

I will see you again and hold you someday.

Send love to your siblings and remember to tell Levi happy birthday in February.

 

 

 

I Wonder

Dear Levi,

         Your due date was the other day and with it came a longing.  I thought of the first and only time I saw you and held you.  So small and so perfect.  It has now been a year and a half since then.   You should be turning one.  Would you be walking?  Would you of said mama by now?  I wonder what your sweet little face would look like.  Would it light up when you saw me?  I wonder if your hair would be dark or blond. What your eye color would be.  I wonder who you are my little Levi. 

           Mostly I just wonder what it will be like to hold you again.  Levi I know someday you will be handed back to me in all your perfectness.  My heart aches for that day.  That joy.  I can almost feel it but then it slips away.  You make me grateful that our family is sealed for this life and the next.  I am so grateful for Temple blessing.  I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and for our Savior. 

          Levi you are so loved.  You are so missed.  You have changed me forever,  you my son have taught me so much.  I am now more understanding,  I now see how much a heart can break and be put back together by the matchless love of our Savior.  I see how depression affects you and how you can hurt so much that you wish you could escape your own body.   How it can make you question that their is a loving and kind Father watching over you.  How the spirit can pull you back and see the miracles in your life, that our Farther is their watching and caring for each of us.   

        You have helped me fight for what I believe in and there were times that I felt like I was losing that fight.   Now a year and a half latter I am so grateful for that fight.  Without it I could not stand here and be certain of who I am.  We truly are Levi, children of God.  With his help we can come out the other side whole.   Thank you for the hardest year and a half of my life.  I truly mean it with all my broken heart.  It one day will be whole again, and you will be in my arms.

Love Mom.