Lessons in losing

It has been 19 days since my mom took her last breath and 2 weeks since the funeral.

I know what I am feeling, I have felt it all before.

After suffering 3 miscarriages, I know something about the pain of loss.

Some may think I am being dramatic and how can losing someone 

I never really met compare with losing my mother? 

People don't realize that when you loss a baby, even early on, you morn for that baby.

For the mother you might have been, for the life you could have held.

It is a death even if no one else feels it.

Here are a few things I have learned from my experience.

• I will have good days, okay days, wonderful days and horrible days. Sometimes all in one day.
• I will want to talk about it and then in the same breath want to be alone.
• First will be the hardest.  The holidays are upon us and we will have to find our way through them.  Hold onto traditions and maybe find some new ones.
• I will have anxiety and depression.
• Nights are the hardest.  I yelled at my kids tonight while we read scriptures and growled through family prayer. Also threatened their very existence if they didn't go straight to bed. A mom win!
• I will dodge your calls and maybe even you.  I might hide in my house.  
• I also am not a great homebody so I will need to get out, asap!  
• I will struggle, the pain is real.  It feels like you may just be crushed by it, but hour after hour and day after day life will go on. So shall I.

How shall I go on?

There is only one way I know how, one that I have tested and found true.

• To kneel in prayer!  Ask for strength and guidance. To thank the Lord for all I have.
• Daily scripture study.  
• Temple attendance is an amazing part.  I have set a goal to go weekly!  After we lost Levi, I questioned my faith and feel into a pretty deep depression.  I found my way back out after to long of a time.  I didn't make the Temple a priority and hardly ever went.  Lesson learned!
• Partaking of the Sacrament.
• Remembering that I have 5 kids and a husband who need me.  If all I can do is have them lay down for bed and know that I love them, that is enough!  You know kinda like yelling at them to go to bed.

Basically the only way through is to rely on our Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ!

They are the light and the truth, they're is no other way.  

I can not handle all that life has thrown at me on my own, but through the Atonement of our Savior

I can do and handle all things.

My life lesson's have taught me that there is no other way!

The Lord is there for you and all you have to do is ask and then act.

Come and Listen

It's that time again!

I am so excited to share an evening with my girl,

to feel the spirit and to talk about faith!

 These pics are from last March, Lauren's first time going with me to General Woman's Conference.

I love that they have changed the age.

Lauren is about to turn 12 in November and I have been think a lot about my little girl

starting a new chapter in her life and entering into Young Woman's.

I'm still in shock that she's that old. Crazy!

I pray that my girl will be true to her faith, that she'll stand up for what she believes and for those around her.

I hope that she'll always know her Father in Heaven and Savior.

That she'll rely on their love for her when hard times come.

She is golden and I pray she'll stay that way!

How lucky am I to be her mother and how lucky are we that we can go and share a

few hours surrounded by women of faith and to hear council tailored by church leaders for women.

Man the Lord loves us and is mindful of our needs.

As hard as life is with all its trails, what a lucky people we are.

We may have whirlwinds surround us,  hurt and heart ache,  bills may pile up and worry abounds,

but we have the gospel, we have a Prophet, we have the temple, the Holy Ghost is our companion 

and priesthood power.  Most of all we have a Father who love's us and a Savior who's

infinite atonement can save us all.  He has paid the price he has bought and paid for us all,

all we have to do is let him in, to rely on him, to use what he has so dearly given us.

We are a Lucky people!

What is Sealed

Yesterday the Ogden Temple was dedicated.

Instead of having our normal church services, we were able to participate in the dedication. 

Sitting and listening to the speakers talk about the Temple helped remind me of how blessed I am.

I am blessed that my family is sealed, we our bound here on earth and in heaven.

I am indebted to our Savior,

His atoning sacrifice has made it possible through the saving ordinances of the temple,

that when my mom leaves this earthly trail and is reunited with those who have gone on before

that one day when I am called home I will be reunited with her.

I am grateful for the knowledge that my babies are not lost, 

I am and will for all eternity be their mother and even if I may not be able to hold them now, one day I will.

That those perfect little souls will be their to greet their grandma when she steps through the veil.

It is like a part of me will be able to greet her and be with her.

Whether our loved ones are on this side of the veil or the other,

they are near and they are still very much a part of our lives.

I may only have a month left her on earth with my mother but I have an eternity to look forward too.

The Temple gives me hope!

Remember Lot's Wife

The other day I listened to this talk while I cleaned my house.

My house really needed to be cleaned and I really need this talk,

so a win win.

Don't look back like Lot's wife.

Don't look to the world to solve your problems.

Look forward and upward!

The Lord will see you through, and he has never ever let you down

and he never will.

When days are hard and I'm at the end of my rope, that's what I tell myself!

"The Lord has never and will never let you down, so keep going."

Keep moving forward, don't look back.

Thanks Elder Holland for the reminder.

Back to School Feast!

My boy's wanted Chuck a Rama for our back to school feast,

sadly or happily depending on which family member you talk too, our feast this year was on Sunday.

So Chuck a Rama was a no go!

To make up we spent Saturday rednecking it up at Smith & Edwards and the North Ogden Fish Farm.

My kids love feeding the fish.

We had two main dishes all a Chuck a Rama style.

Sheppard Pie

Temple Chicken

French Bread

Salad

(Which have you tried the Lighthouse Greek Yogurt Ranch, so good.)

Orange Julius

 Lauren Photo Bombing the food pictures.

After dinner Justin gave the kids their Fathers Blessings.

Then we introduced the kids to this school years theme.

I am going to make my own typography, but my photoshop was 

acting up, so lucky I found this print out.

We selected this quote because our boy are becoming men and we want them to be strong men of God,

Lauren is turning 12, my older 3 are no longer little and need to stand on their own testimony.

To stand for what they know is right, to not care what others may say or think about them.

To stand with the lord.

We had the kids think of  school year goals earlier in the day.

We went over each of them and ways they could accomplish them.

Dallin (10th Grade),

Maintain a 3.0 or higher grade point average.

Mike (9th Grade),

Make the track team.

Lauren (6th Grade),

To have no missing assignments, and tryout for Student Government.

Milo (Kindergarten),

Learn how to read.

Genevieve (Preschool),

To learn how to write her numbers and letters.

Not letters and numbers, numbers and letters.

I love this tradition and I am so grateful to have a night dedicated to our family, our faith and the Lord.

true love

I snicked this picture of my dad and mom.

It was 5:15 in the morning, my dad just helped her use the bathroom and is now giving her pain meds.

When he leaves,  I am there to help her when needed.

To make sure she doesn't fall and hurt her broken arm or break anything else.

She's a sneaky one and has fallen on my watch, luckily she didn't do any harm.

I count myself lucky to see first hand how they love each other.

My dad who is obviously tired never lets it show.

He love and cares without thought of himself.

I watch as it kills him to leave for work each morning.

I watch him and know what love looks like.

If I ever had a doubt about their relationship (which I haven't)

there would be no room left for any of it.

I watch my mom struggle with the lost of freedom.

I watch how at times her mind slips.

I sit next to her at church and know that she hurts, but her testimony is strong

even if her body is weak.

I watch her eye's light up when she see my dad.

They belong to each other, they are side by side in their faith and love. 

If I take one thing from my mom's stomach cancer, from our families stomach cancer,

it will be their love and the service I see day in and day out from my dad.

I am lucky to have such parents.

Heaven is Here

My friend Megan just let me borrow her copy of Stephanie Nielson's 

a.k.a. NieNie, book Heaven is Here.

(source)

This isn't the first time I have had a chance to read her book,

but it is the first time I actually sat down and read it.

It's not that I didn't want to but I feel the Lord new that I would

need her words of encouragement now!

I have to say that this has been the hardest year of my life.

I'm not being dramatic, but honest.

Harder then Dallin's life threatening asthma.

Harder then Justin losing his job.

Harder then Evie cutting her nerve that controlled her fingers.

(which she has made a full recovery, thankfully)

Harder then losing babies.

Well miscarrying in January is part of this being my hardest year.

I'm not going to get into why or anything.

Just trust me. Hard!

I know the Lord is always their for me and like Stephanie's

dad says in the book "he is in control".

I needed her words of comfort and strength and faith.

It wasn't easy and she suffered and was depressed,

but the Lord saw her threw it all.

Just like he'll lead my family and I have no doubt that he does.

If you know someone who could use a little pick me up, a little your not alone,

a little the Lord is on your side, a little you can do hard things.

Might I suggest this book.

We are going to show our kids this video for family home evening and talk about

how we have so many things pulling at us, but we can always knell, pray and ask the Lord.

Easter Art Project

Being married to an artistie guy is amazing.

Justin the week before Easter painted a new painting that represents when 

our Savior will come again and we will be reunited with Levi.

Honestly it filled my heart with so much love and hope and filled it with a deep longing for 

that day which seems forever away.

At times my heartaches for the babies we have lost.

I am grateful for this heartache, because it has helped me understand how strong

that longing is for someone who desperately wants a child who they can't have.

I think of Hannah praying at the wall and pouring out her heart for a child,

I know something of that heartache and I can relate to her in a whole new way.

What joy and peace she must have felt when the Prophet Eli told her the Lord had heard

and would bless her with Samuel.   

1st Samuel 1:1

We are so very loved, a Family is Forever!

A Body

For the 3rd time I had to sit my children down and tell them that we had lost another baby.

I prayed for inspiration and help.

I came across this video on the Mormon Channel.

 

 

We watched the video and then talked about how amazing our body's are and how

they are prefect for getting us threw this life, for this mortal period.

Then we talked about how sometimes someone is so pure, they only need a body for a short time.

For the 3rd time we talked about this, for the 3rd time I had to tell them we lost a baby. This is one area that doesn't get easier with practice.  So hard.  I am so grateful to have a knowledge of the gospel, to feel the spirit in my home.  To know that I have a Father in Heaven and that my Savior truly did atone for man kind.   I am grateful that I felt this little man so strongly before he was taken from this earth. You will be missed little one.

 

Justin told my kids this quote by Joseph Smith.

 

"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world, they were too pure, too lovely, to live on this earth; therefore, if rightly considered instead of morning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall have them again… the only difference between the old and the young dying is one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other and is freed a little sooner form this miserable wicked world”

 

I will see you again and hold you someday.

Send love to your siblings and remember to tell Levi happy birthday in February.

 

 

 

Hooray

Tonight while I was reading my little one's their bedtime story from a library book which is over due,

I had the thought Hooray for Fish more like Hooray for Bedtime.

I was sleepy and just exhausted and I couldn't wait to get my kids to bed so I could just rest.

Then at the end of the book the baby fish finds his mommy fish and they kiss and tell each other they love them.  All at once I was like "Hooray for Fish" is awesome and Hooray for Life even more awesome.  I could have gone from sleepy to delirious, either way it made me think of all that I have to say Hooray for.

 Hooray for Autumn days and Gelato!

 Hooray for Playing in the Rain!

Hooray for Naps!

Hooray for Story Time with Dad!

Hooray for Girl's Days!

Hooray for Big Brothers who ride the Tea Cups with the Little Ones!

Hooray for Super Cheesy Art!

Hooray for Being Able to Sleep Anywhere!

Hooray for Sneaking Out of Bed!

Hooray for Zebras in Water Drains!

 Hooray for Dressing up like Moon Rise Kingdom!

Hooray for the Tuba and Swimming!

Hooray for Family!

Hooray for the Temple!

(Source)

Hooray for a Living Prophet!

(Source)

and for my Savior and Redeemer!

P.S All but the last 2 photos came from my phone, so sorry about the super great quality.

I Thank Thee Oh God For A Prophet

President Monson was called as an Apostle of the Lord 50 years ago this month.

I am so grateful to have a Prophet, who leads and guides this Church.

I know in his hands I am safe, because in his hands I am in the Saviors.

He is his spoke person on this earth.

Prophet, Seer and Revelator .

We love you.

President Monson's first conference talk.

Way back in October 1963.

My how the world has changed.

I Wonder

Dear Levi,

         Your due date was the other day and with it came a longing.  I thought of the first and only time I saw you and held you.  So small and so perfect.  It has now been a year and a half since then.   You should be turning one.  Would you be walking?  Would you of said mama by now?  I wonder what your sweet little face would look like.  Would it light up when you saw me?  I wonder if your hair would be dark or blond. What your eye color would be.  I wonder who you are my little Levi. 

           Mostly I just wonder what it will be like to hold you again.  Levi I know someday you will be handed back to me in all your perfectness.  My heart aches for that day.  That joy.  I can almost feel it but then it slips away.  You make me grateful that our family is sealed for this life and the next.  I am so grateful for Temple blessing.  I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and for our Savior. 

          Levi you are so loved.  You are so missed.  You have changed me forever,  you my son have taught me so much.  I am now more understanding,  I now see how much a heart can break and be put back together by the matchless love of our Savior.  I see how depression affects you and how you can hurt so much that you wish you could escape your own body.   How it can make you question that their is a loving and kind Father watching over you.  How the spirit can pull you back and see the miracles in your life, that our Farther is their watching and caring for each of us.   

        You have helped me fight for what I believe in and there were times that I felt like I was losing that fight.   Now a year and a half latter I am so grateful for that fight.  Without it I could not stand here and be certain of who I am.  We truly are Levi, children of God.  With his help we can come out the other side whole.   Thank you for the hardest year and a half of my life.  I truly mean it with all my broken heart.  It one day will be whole again, and you will be in my arms.

Love Mom.  

Camp out (almost)

The plan.

Have a super family camp out, with my super siblings and parents.

What actually happened.

My mom and dad where so stinking nice and took my 5 kids up the night before

to save an extra spot at the campgrounds.

Having no kids = perfect date night with a side of food poisoning.

Lame I know.  I was so sick all night.

Knowing we couldn't leave my parents with 5 kids.

We made the trek up to the Unitas.

(About 2 hrs away) 

This place was so pretty.  Wish I could of had the energy to explore more.

Oh and this handsome boy had a fever off and on,  sorry mom for sending you

with a sick little boy.

Playing that throw the golf ball thing on the pvc pipe thing game.

So needless to say we didn't camp out.  My brother who's little girl hurt her

arm right as they were leaving to come up, didn't camp out.

Way to tough it out to my sisters and parents.

Better luck to us all next year.

We stopped by an old cemetery  in Poea (sorry if I misspelled Poea)

The story of this bolder in a nutshell, is that Brooks was pretty much

a jerk and took from everyone and never gave back and bragged about

helping in the martyrdom of Joseph Smith.

When he died and was lay to rest this bolder rolled down the hill and landed

on top of his grave.  

Levi Huffacker Thompson

I would like to introduce the world to our little Levi.

Levi came into our lives and was gone in a flash.

I went in for my normal 16 wk appointment, hopeful and excited

to see if we were having a misses or a mister.

After losing one baby a few years ago I knew something was wrong right away.

there was no flash of color on the screen and no movement.

My Doctor who is amazing stiffened right up and I knew we had lost our baby.

I tell Justin and we try to round up our five little miracles amid phone

calls hoping to find out what we are having, to tell them (this was one of the hardest things).

The next day I send my husband to work, because I can handle this and would

rather he was home after I deliver for a couple day.  I go off

to the hospital by myself because I'm Strong and its only an ultrasound.

Well lets just say it was more then I could handle and was trying my

hardest to keep it together and I thought I was until the nice old man

sitting by me in the waiting room ask me if I was Ok and when

I responded yes and he just said you don't look like you are.

I am taking back and after they look around, their is nothing abnormal

with anything going on in my uterus.

I come home get Evie down for he nap, call Justin

to tell him I'm an idiot for thinking I was fine on my own.

Have lunch and have one of many tender mercies for the Lord.

Sitting just outside my kitchen window were to Doves.

I have never seen Doves in my yard, but their they were out there in the cold forming a heart.

Justin and my Dad give me a blessing and we take the kids to Justin's mom for the night.

We make it to the hospital and walk past the nursery, past a Happy dad with his new little girl.

I can till picture her in my mind perfect and beautiful a true blessing from a loving Heavenly Father.

Believe it or not but this also was a tender mercy, a reminder that she was a miracle and

our Levi is one also.

I get all setup and 7 hours later I delivered Levi, all 2 oz, 5 in of him, and I love him

and hold him and feel his spirit around us.  I'm not sad because I know he is mine and he is Justin

and we are a family and someday I will hug and hold and tell my Levi how much I love him, oh what a day that will be.  I tell my nurse this (who also is a tender mercy, because she is so much like my bff Jen, that I trust her and so grateful for her).

Here is where you all get to know how wonderful my Doctors is and how he also is a tender mercy.

After I had Levi all the other junk wasn't coming out.  So he ordered people around to get this or that and sat down in a chair and talked to us and shard his testimony and told us how he and his wife

20 years ago went threw all of this and when his alarm went of to wake up and it had been 3 and a half hours and finally everything was done and he headed off to his office to work.  He taught

me that people are way more important then sleep or schedules.

I was so afraid to leave and go home to go with out Levi and I didn't want to go.  Then a man came

from the mortuary and he came and got my little boys and left with him.  I still really don't like him, poor him who gets to have me not like him just because it was his job to come.  I slept after this and we had breakfast and then I had to leave I felt so panic and needed to be home right then. 

Thank you to all my family and friends who are their for my family, who brought dinner, who watched my kids and let me just talk.

I am so thankful to the Lord who has filled my sorrow with light and I am so thankful

to know and I mean know that families are forever.  I have felt my Levi and no one

can take that from me.  I am so thankful to a wonderful Savior, who came and died that

I might live and live I will and so will you.  I am thankful for all those who a kind and loving Heavenly Father has sent into my life.

Levi Huffacker Thompson

February 29th 2012

(I always wanted a leap year baby)



Religious Test

As a member of

The Church of Jesus Christ

of Latter Day Saints. 

(Mormon)

I am not naive in matters of how some

view what I believe, but to those who wouldn't

vote for a Mormon President (1 in 5 won't).

Maybe take sometime to learn a little more about who we are.

You can go here to find out more

I saw this Documentary on NieNie.

Go here to find out more about it.