The Thunder Rolled

Last night right after all my little one's minus Fisher were all settle in their beds.

Drinks, bathroom and philosophizing completed.

As I sat on the couch snuggling an almost asleep Fisher,

a storm let loose with lightening and thunder right above our home.

It rattled the house and us.

I took a moment to settle myself and than headed straight 

to my littlest ones room. 

Sure enough they were terrified!

Pretty soon everyone was in the family room!

Dallin only stayed up for a moment before heading back to bed,

the others needed some help to calm themselves.

So we talked and watch some cartoons.

Around 10 pm everyone was back to bed and fell asleep to the sound of rain.

P.S. I truly have never heard thunder as loud as I did last night!

Schizophrenia sucks

I have a child with a server mental illness.

Someday's are great and some are super hard.

There are a lot of okay days and kinda hard.

Today is a hard day.

Today is a he can't get out of bed to do the things he needs to.

Today is a will he ever be able to really go to school?

Today is a reminder that his mind is broken 

and the life I had hoped for him when he was younger

will most likely never happen.

Today I am tired and have been 

trying to help him get back to who he was for the past two years.

He most likely will never be who he once was.

Schizophrenia stole my son from me.

One day he was who he had always been.

Happy, tons of friends, social, loved school and the tuba.

The next like a flash and he was someone else.

Now he lays in his bed unable to deal with

the social pressure, full of anxiety.

My heart breaks because for the first time we had so much real hope.

He's on a new med that has been amazing.

I started to see that future for him again and today it feels so out of reach.

 How do you mourn someone who is right in front of you,

someone you carried inside you, held, sang songs to?

Someone you watch and guided, someone who had so much life and laughter?

Someone who only at the age of 15 was taken from you?

You mourn their future and what could have been

and you love and embrace who they are now.

Today I am also grateful because it's just a kinda hard day and not a super hard one.

Today I'll say a prayer for my son and lean on my Savior.

There is always hope, it's just in a different future.

There is always love.