Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Schizophrenia sucks

I have a child with a server mental illness.
Someday's are great and some are super hard.
There are a lot of okay days and kinda hard.
Today is a hard day.
Today is a he can't get out of bed to do the things he needs to.
Today is a will he ever be able to really go to school?
Today is a reminder that his mind is broken 
and the life I had hoped for him when he was younger
will most likely never happen.
Today I am tired and have been 
trying to help him get back to who he was for the past two years.
He most likely will never be who he once was.
Schizophrenia stole my son from me.
One day he was who he had always been.
Happy, tons of friends, social, loved school and the tuba.
The next like a flash and he was someone else.
Now he lays in his bed unable to deal with
the social pressure, full of anxiety.
My heart breaks because for the first time we had so much real hope.
He's on a new med that has been amazing.
I started to see that future for him again and today it feels so out of reach.
 How do you mourn someone who is right in front of you,
someone you carried inside you, held, sang songs to?
Someone you watch and guided, someone who had so much life and laughter?
Someone who only at the age of 15 was taken from you?
You mourn their future and what could have been
and you love and embrace who they are now.
Today I am also grateful because it's just a kinda hard day and not a super hard one.
Today I'll say a prayer for my son and lean on my Savior.
There is always hope, it's just in a different future.
There is always love. 


heidi said...

Nothing truly prepared me for watching my kids struggle...it eats me up inside. I love you Kem!

Maddi Flynn said...

I know how hard a mental illness is. It's one of challenges God has given him. Sure he may not be able to do the things he use to but he has developed lots of strength.
For one he has learned to help others, and he become a harder worker. Hopefully his challenges will help and inspire others, like me :)

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